Spring Training....

While our son has all of the athletic talent in the world, he lacks a little, ummmm... go-get'emness.
Each spring, we dread the first week of baseball.
No one, more than his Coach.
Tonight, was the first official practice and The Kid, did not disappoint. Our long standing Tradition of Pure and Uncensored Dramatics, ensued.

A.) 5:10pm (during dinner).

The Kid: Ugh... do we HAVE to have practice so late? Do we HAVE to have practice in the cold? Do we HAVE to have practice for so long?

Me: We are not playing this game, this year. You are going to practice. You are going to shut your mouth and listen to your father. You are not going to talk back or be negative. If you do... even once... for even one night... Dad will not coach you.

The Kid: Is he going to quit?

Me: Nope. He'll coach the other boys but YOU will be kicked off the team. And if that happens, you will spend your summer playing for Team Bible School.

The Kid: What does that mean?

Me: You will be forced to attend, each and every week of Bible School, offered in this town. Both Lutheran churches, the Catholic Church, the Methodist Church....

Coach: ... even the Congregational Church.

The Kid (with HUGE eyes):
What?! Can you even do that? Go to all of them??

Me: Go Team Bible School! Whoop-whoop.

The Kid: Fine. I'll be good.




B.) 5:42pm (The Cup Drama: 3rd Year Running)

Me: You have to wear your cup.

The Kid: NO! I hate the cup. It makes me run slow.

Me: You HAVE to wear your cup to every game.

The Kid: Noooo. They threw me out at First last summer because I couldn't run fast enough.

Me: Figure it out. Dad wears his to every game and he is one of the fastest on his team.

Coach (whispering):
What? Only just ONE of the fastest???

The Kid: I am NOT wearing it.

Me: Fine. But if the ball hits you and breaks your penis, don't tell me about it.

The Kid (hysterically laughing and eye-rolling): Mom!! You can't BREAK a penis. Penises don't have bones in them. If a penis had a bone, then guys would just be walking around with penises sticking out! Come on, Mom. You don't see guys, walking around with a penis bone sticking out off their body... otherwise, skeletons would have a bone sticking straight out!

Coach (totally dying in the corner.)

Me (trying my best, not to join Coach's immaturity):
I get what you're saying.
But you still have to wear your cup.