Paging Doctor....

We recently saw a bright red fancy-pants Ferrari, driving with License plates which read:
DR COX 2

Question:
1. Do you think his actual last name is Cox?

2. Do you think he's a Urologist?

If the answer is 'Yes, his last name is Cox' I think that guy is probably a tool.

If the answer is Urologist... I think he may be more humorous than the average Ferrari owner.

Also- What do you think he has '2' of?

Just Wonderin about That Ol' American Dream..

My blog is not political.
I am not a government official.
Nor am I am economist, an accountant or even a mathematician. By any means.
I am not sparking a revolution or soliciting supporters for a March towards Capital City.
I am more or less, just thinking out loud.

Question:
If you do not provide or fund your grade schools, with the best possible opportunities to hire capable and well-intentioned teachers, coaches and staff...

If you cut crucial extra curricular activities which become a physical and mental outlet for developing minds and bodies, able to form relationships with team members or coaches, which will help mold them into more efficient adults, prepared and able to thrive within a competitive and mostly unfriendly world...

If children growing within homes, with over-worked single parents or parents struggling with a recent job loss, due to our economic situation... are unable to find an escape, a purpose, a meaning... in a Sport or Music and Art programs... are simply left to wither in a bubble of hopelessness or fade without the promising gloss of finding a passion...

If those children then become adults, living in a town without employment opportunities, growth or a joyful sparkle of possibility...

What if those young adults are left without choices but to steal, lie, cheat or beg to find their way. Scraping to find housing, in a depressed market. Unable to connect to their life's purpose, without having ever given the chance to nurture their passion...

If a depressed Community or State, turns their back to the mentally challenged or those in need of psychiatric help.... If we leave our neighbors in a time of depressed crisis, without medication, guidance or help. If those patients, our friends and brothers, parents or children... are left to wander... desperate for the glimpse of 'a chance'...

If our mentally challenged or children growing within a depressed home or an adult, trapped in their own sense of hopelessness... turn towards street drugs or alcohol abuse to dull their aching pain...

If they are then arrested...

Then, are we not:
simply mixing a perfect recipe to shape our youth, our young adults, even my generation... to become criminals? To resort to your most primal state of pure survival? To steal and cut corners to provide for oneself and their family? If you do not gift a person, the opportunities to learn BETTER... then how can we ever expect they will become BETTER?

And after a government has mixed this recipe of mass confusion, desperation, poverty with the uneducated, uninformed, unkempt and under appreciated.... Without the promise of hope... It would seem even more mind-boggling that you would then close the already severely over-crowded prison systems (or Oven, if you will...) in which to bake the perfect disaster, you have created.

Essentially, leaving more people, unemployed.
Leaving more towns, without purpose.
Leaving their schools, without funds.
Leaving their children, without opportunities.
Creating yet another generation.... Without.



Again, I am no fancy schmancy Economist.
Just wonderin out loud...
Kinda seems like an ugly, rotating,
unbreakable circle, has been drawn.

Just Wonderin' Halloween 2.0

*Why would anyone grow up and decide they want to be the house handing out the crappy cheap candy? And yet, there are obviously people who do.

*Same idea for handing out toothbrushes, we don't tell your kids to get a haircut... but we'd like too.

*Why do I insist on semi-making my children's costumes every year? The imaginary bear hug and "Thanks, mom you are the greatest, I appreciate your love and attention to detail" never comes to fruition. After I die, they are going to feel super guilty about not continually telling me how Great I was. Especially, after reading the chapter in my journal, where I describe in detail how Great I am.

*Every year, Coach and I dance to the same music. We purchase several bags of candy. Then Halloween morning, I call in a desperate panic for him to buy more. Because our supply appears to have been misplaced. Why does he continue to participate? Because I am a real-life witch... that's why.

*When did Halloween turn into the slutty holiday? Why are the women's costumes too short, too tight and too lacking in clothing? Has the nation forgotten October nights are freezing and the general idea is to consume obscene amounts of candy?? I'd prefer not to be photographed in a belly-less Navy Seal costume, chowing down my 4th Buttercup... who am I kidding... I mean my 7th buttercup. Maybe my 8th.
But I totally skipped lunch.
Facebook doesn't need that tagged photo.

*What child would Trick and not Treat? I say:
'If given the choice... always choose Treat. Eventually, life will play plenty of cruel and rotten Tricks on you'.
Put that on a friggin Hallmark card.

She'll Eat Anything...

After our beautiful Spring weekend, full of outdoor chores and children frolicking in the yard...
I just can't help but wonder,
how many of our tiny play-ground pebbles,
I will find in Coco's poopy diaper, this week.

Open for Suggestions.....Seriously.

Question:
What is the quickest way to 'lose' your house cat??

I have discovered, Rigby has taken to using various corners and nooks of our home, as his potty. The frequency has left him, much less than desirable.

Coach requested, I blog a 'Classified/Help Wanted' Advertisement and an 'Explanation/Apology' for our home smelling like Cat P***.
As you may imagine,
Coach has strongly submitted his suggestion.

Grab yer best Tube Top...Empty the Savins....We is headed to the Carnival baby.

After attending a Small Town Carnival, I am left with the same Age Old Questions.

1. Why does a Carnival always bring out A Particular Class (WT) of people?

2. How did they come to the conclusion, that was really the most appropriate outfit to wear in a public gathering with children present?

3. Are they hiding somewhere, the other 10 months of the year?

4. Are they aware, the Radio Flyer Wagon, was not actually advertised to carry:
1 child
2 dirty Dog/Mutts
1 carton of Camel Smokes

5. How in the heck, are they even able to afford a night at the Carnival? We dropped $75 in two hours, on Ride Tickets and Snacks. Do they spend the calender year, saving their pennies, by pinching on:

A.) All forms of Dental Hygiene
B.) Current Hair Maintenance/Upkeep (If you are naturally a dark brunette, yet desire to be blond, please commit to the monthly touch-up)
C.) Properly Fitted Clothing for themselves and/or their children
D.) The purchase of any Self-Help Book outlining Acceptable Etiquette for Polite Society as NOT:
-Growling swear words in the presence of children.
-Blowing smoke wherever you may please.
-Parking yourself smack in the middle of anything.
-Walking the fair grounds with your hand in the back pocket of your boyfriend's jeans.
-Taking your Carnival Game Prize work of art home and hanging said picture in your living room.

Feel free to answer.

Tell me if I'm crazy...?

Have we, the northern half of our nation, considered that we are living in a permanent state of Grey Tundra?
That we have been transported to a scene from Day After Tomorrow.
And that the government has conspired, with all meteorologists, to keep the truth from us, out of fear of mass hysteria?
Have you considered that the only way for you and/or your children to ever see sunshine again, would be to immediately book a trip to a Caribbean Breezes Resort that is currently advertising for 70% off all trip packages...and yet thanks to Haiti, you are terrified to travel to any tropical island?

Yet, if you took that chance, would you learn a valuable lesson from the surviving tourists that were sunbathing by the pool, rather than the unfortunate that were relaxing inside the building as it collapsed?
That sunshine is good, and may not only save your life from an apocalyptic earthquake, but also from a really depressing mood that is gripping your mind from deep in the depths of a Midwestern winter.

Or that possibly, by recently posting that the freckles on your face were regrettable reminders that you spent too many hours in the pool as a teenager...you have essentially, pissed off the Sun Gods so fervently, that they have shunned you from their warmth, permanently banishing you to flannel pajama pants, stupid-used-to-be cute snow boots that now make me shudder each time I put them on and the couch cover of fuzzy blankets.... never again, to enjoy a tank top, flip-flops and sunglasses?

(Pajama Pants Gods- I do not mean to insult thee, either.)

I'm just wondering....have you even considered the possibility?

I would hate for you to be shocked, when the government finally admits the conspiracy come May, when we are still under a blanket of snow and ice. At which point, do not bother sending Dennis Quaid to rescue me. For I will have perished from starvation long before, from beneath my bed covers, with reality TV flashing in the background, because if I have to carry a car seat in and out of this weather one more time (which possibly resulted in a complete and total wipe out last night, severely injuring my tail bone not to mention my dignity) I... really... may... scream.
Coach- Save our children, while you still can.
Though, I am pretty sure, Tink will volunteer to go down with my ship.

FYI- If you are one of my loyal AZ followers (and I typically love you all) it would be in your best interest not to Comment something ridiculous about how 'falling snow is peaceful and beautiful' because you can trust that it is significantly less beautiful, if you are looking up at it from your back, as you lay on a patch of ice. Be warned, that would not be a smart idea.

Hey, let's relax and rent a couple videos.

I have a bone to pick with Hollywood producer types.
I've had my fill with the 'realistic, life sucks', movies.
ie.

'My Sister's Keeper'
Here's a fun ditty for a mother of daughters. Throw in an older, ignored son. A dash of life threatening illness, strain on the marriage and side of gut wrenching sadness. Nothing like, staying up late at night pondering a little 'What if Sophie's Choice was forced upon me'.
Good times.

Next, lighten things up with a children's movie,
'Up'.
Standard, the mother dies in every children's movie. Why would Disney want to portray a mother, actually living, to raise her children.
Let's spice this movie up, by adding a new twist.
Fun loving, little girl, grows up with HUGE dreams of adventure and travel.
She marries, moves into her dream house.
Set aside her 'Adventure Book' to have a baby, only to find out she is unable to have a child.
explanations of infertility ensue.
To pull herself from a deep depression, she chooses to live out her adventures.
Wait a sec... the roof needs to be fixed, the tires blow, the windows break in her money pit. Her 'Adventure Jar' is emptied to pay for mundane life.
Until finally, the mother dies.
Without becoming a mother, or living a single adventure.
They try to convince you, that just being the husband's (hypothetically, Coach's) wife was all the adventure she needed.
Right.
Great lesson, for daughters to learn.
If they were raised in 1952.
After she is gone, the husband/Coach, lives her adventures, without her.

Used to be, movies transformed you from your real, crappy life to a place of magic and fun.
Little Mermaid: Fish, then woman, kill the octopus with a stack, become a princess, move to castle.
Cinderella: Maid, fairy godmother, a ball, prince rescues her, castle.
Even Pretty Woman has more magic. Prostitute finds rich man.

I'd prefer to trick my girls into believing there is a chance at a castle, rather than infertility, in a money pit.
I miss false hope and unrealistic fantasies.
Just sayin.

Turn the phone off.

Do you ever have a day, where you wake up and think.
Not today.
No thanks.
Not interested.
Do not shower.
Do not brush your teeth.
Do not pass go.
Turn the phone off.
Except to call Chinese.
Ask them to deliver to your bedroom window.
Bring 2 Dr. Peppers.
Watch five DVD's.
Maybe six.
Intermittently, nap 3-4 times.
Finish with a glass of wine, to help you fall asleep for the night.

Today, may be one of those days.

Why only spend the entire day in bed when you have the flu?
Why can't you stay in bed all day...
just cuz you have a bed?
There are starving people in Africa, without beds.
Shouldn't we appreciate ours?

Just wonderin' Halloween edition

*Why would anyone grow up and decide they want to be the house that hands out the crappy cheap candy? And yet, there are people who obviously do.

*Same idea for handing out toothbrushes, I don't tell your kid to get a haircut.

*They sell Candy Corn all year at Wal-Mart. I love candy corn...I'd put it in my Top 5 Candy of all time list (which is a pretty exclusive list). That said, I could and never would eat Candy Corn outside of October. Well, maybe the end of September or early November, but no other time!

*Candy is empty calories. Therefore, if you eat 4 pieces of Halloween candy for breakfast, you are bound to lose weight. Check with me next week, I hope to prove this theory. Funny... 4 pieces...

*Why do I insist on semi-making my children's costumes every year? They have perfectly good costumes in stores. The imaginary bear hug and "Thanks, mom you are the greatest, I appreciate your love and attention to detail" just never comes to fruition. After I die, they are going to feel guilty about not telling me how great I was. Especially, after reading the page in my journal, where I describe how great I am and what brats they are.

*Every year, Coach and I dance to the same music. Mid-week, I ask him to buy several bags of candy. Then, Halloween, approximately 45 minutes before the Trick or Treating hour, I call in a panic for him to buy more, because ours has disappeared. Why does he participate and not call me out as the culprit? Because he is scared of Tink and I...that's why.

*How about, we decide as a community to add another evening, early summer-ish, where we go to each other's house and hand out candy. We don't have enough Holidays where we give each other candy and the idea was ingenious. We have Easter...but all that religion gets in the way. (Just Kidding!) But really, people decided to make the Olympics...and that seems to be working out.

*What kid Tricks and does not Treat? 'If they give you a choice...always choose Treat. Eventually, life will play plenty of rotten Tricks on you'. Put that on a Hallmark card.

*Happy Hallows Eve! What could be better than an entire day of keeping bowls of candy in your home, smearing make-up on your small children, forcing them to pretend to be someone else, throwing a scavenger hunt where you encourage people to smash your children's pumpkins...and confusing kids, by telling them to run across the street and beg strangers for candy.

This is not ok...

Earlier, I observed Tink from a slight distance as she took The Kid's pirate guys and had them kiss her Polly pockets. She declared they were married and then put both in her Barbie bed.
Less than 30 min later Tink and her brother were playing video games next to each other. The Kid proceeded to refer to the two of them as Adam and Eve. I interrupted and said that could not be the case because Tink was his sister. He then told me that Adam and Eve were also brother and sister because God took his rib to make her. I said it didn't really work like that and they were not siblings. He thought about it and then replied, "Ohhh..I get it...so Adam married Eve who was his daughter, because she took his rib." Ummm......
Here is the dilemma...do we need to have a serious sit down talk with both of our children about marriage/relationships or should I pay closer attention to what they are watching on the Disney channel OR do I think about ripping them out of their current Catholic CCD classes and rushing them to a new location? That may prove awkward since my mother-in-law is the CCD director. Or do I just blame their behavior on her poor grand-mothering skills?
Better yet, should I just scrap trying to make decent people out of those two creeps and focus all my attention on teaching the baby morals? Or maybe is the problem me as their teacher?
This post is not really open to your suggestions. I am afraid of the answers.
Side note- I also worry that the Polly pockets are attracted to the pirates. What about Spiderman? He goes to college and loves his aunt. Or Superman, he is shy with a positive career. I wouldn't even mind their half breed alien babies. Why does she have to go for the wayward criminal type with earrings and a knife??

Do you think...

...that Dane Cook wants to be my boyfriend?

Does anyone have his number?
I don't think my husband would mind.