Friday, March 11, 2011

Warning: This Post is Graphic

As previously mentioned,
our older home is suffering with plumbing issues. After dropping $950 in January, our plumbing has continued to suffer with irregularity.
Bracing ourselves and bearing down, we called the plumbers back to our home. Preparing for the worst and receiving news, even worst-er than expected.
Due to the very large trees in our yard, the age of our home and the lack of proper maintenance in many years past.... our pipes are corroded, cracked and plugged from home to street.

Oh... that's all?
Chili Davis aka The Apparent Expert of Pipes Which Carry Dung, suggested we call in another opinion "Before you just drop $6000..."
Thanks Chili, for your bloated confidence in our ability to "just drop $6000" on anything...ever...
Coach called a very kind but extremely unlucky friend, to observe the damage. They (unfortunately for them) discovered our crawl space, is (literally) a $hit $torm. After the repulsion passed and a few not funny jokes were exchanged about what The Kid had for dinner the night before.... His friend outlined our next move.

2 hours later, I called Coach:

Me: So what are we doing about this cr@p (literally)?

Coach: Well... I don't know? Do you think I should make a few phone calls?

Me: I think we should do SOMETHING. We cannot live in a Porta Potty. I assume that's not healthy.

Coach: Well... I could call the plumber back. See if we can't get a temporary fix. Do you want me to do that for you? (He said, with the calmness of someone who just offered to pick up milk from the store.)

Me: I would LIKE you to send me to a hotel suite in Florida. But if that's not gonna work, then yes... I would LIKE you to call the plumber FOR ME so we are no longer living above toxic waste (literally.)

Coach: Ok. I'll call. In the meantime, they said I could pick up some Lyme? or something, to throw on the mess. Should I do that?

Me: Yes. I think you should do that. Again, I do not think, we should continue to live in a giant out-house.

(I LOVE how relaxed Coach is treating this obviously emergent situation, as if we have the option of routinely tramping across the street, to The Brides Father's to 'excuse ourselves'.)

Upon, hearing about our situation, Flag girl giggled that we seem to have some guy named Bad Luck Charlie or Doomsday Dan (I can't recall the exact name)... floating in a cloud above our home. Upon further review, I would guess Doomsday Dan is actually squatting in our attic and (literally) dumping on us a few times, each day.

In Conclusion:
It appears, we are collectively Giving Up for Lent:

* Any and all Savings, as we know it.
* The ability to ever again, entertain friends, without their whispering our home is (literally) a $hit Hole.
* The idea, that my blog could ever be published as an inspirational and happy Tell-all of a cute family of Five, NOT actually living above their own filth.

Signing off,
Tru Stories from the Number Two... 22 Floor.

PS: Also...I am seriously, getting down in the dumps, that my opportunity of attending The Oprah Show is just another pipe dream.
Sometimes, there are not enough scented candles in the world, to mask how Life can Stink. (literally)


The Mrs. said...

And just days ago you were judging the cat for crapping in inappropriate places. I hope you feel bad.

The Mrs. said...

(But seriously, my heart goes out to you for there is little that is more frustrating than a home you love literally falling to pieces before your very eyes. I'd offer up a hug if you were that kind of girl.)

Unknown said...

I just finished reading A Pioneer Woman. Her blog story is much "sweeter." Your blog put me in a "crappy" mood. She lives on a cattle farm and there was not as much talk of toxic waste.
PS - Please bring my grandchildren over here so it is harder for DCFS to find them and remove them from your care.
PPSS - Did I mentioned my new dryer plays music? It does.

Tru Stories said...

I had already realized the irony of hating the cat, for treating our home as his personal giant toilet.

Flag Girl said...

"Prince of Darkness"......he is one bad Motha

Chili said...

I've dabbled in my own doo doo before. Clay tile was a genius invention.. The smell will go away. P.S. I hate crawl spaces.

Anonymous said...

Do you people not see the clever genius behind italicizing the words associated with poop? Kudos Tru Stories on your crap slants they had the refreshing writings equal to Tucks medicated pads. -Burnin a Mulehol

The Mrs. said...

When it comes time to cleanup let us know. Maybe we could stop by to help after we drop the kids off at the pool.

(Get it? I want to play along now too!)

Anonymous said...

That "Prince of Darkness" followed us around for some time. Welcome to life. Doesn't make it any better right now, but you will get rid of the Prince and all will be right with the world again.

This is one Prince your princesses do not want to meet!
Hang in there. Gramma G

Tru Stories said...

Thanks, Warhol, for recognizing my genius! I was beginning to worry, I had offended the red states and lowered myself, for nothing. I should have known, I can always count on you and Coach to laugh at my poor taste.

Anonymous said...

Thats cause Coach and I are like school in the summertime........