Shopping blows.

Go ahead. Go shopping. Go find clothes for yourself...sure, have that fun.
Drop the girls off to relatives, drive out of town with Coach, The Kid and yourself.
Part ways with your men.
Skip into a given shop.
Grab an armful of clothing, note that it is "Tis the Season for Puffy Cowl Neck Sweaters"....ignore those.
Grab your size, confident in post baby body.
Waltz into dressing room, undress to try on head to toe, new ensemble.
Stop. Turn. Stare. O.M.G.
No matter how great you may have felt, prior to the dressing room, nothing really prepares you, for the sucker punch to the gut.
Ok, immediately try to get past the dimples, the new addition of back fat, the belly that will never be the same after the 8 1/2 pound baby...
Address a few smaller issues.
Why am I so pale? Like beyond pale, translucent pale?
Really, how much truth is to that whole skin cancer thing? Can I just go back to tanning? Beauty Rule #248...tan chub is cuter chub.
I think I may be getting paler with age. Can that happen?
I am very much able to see the color of my skin, thanks entirely to the neon, fluorescent lights in the dressing room. What is the deal with that?
Here is an idea.
Light the dressing rooms with A. Candles or B. a string of Christmas lights.
Every person looks exponentially better in either lighting. I am positive they would sell more clothes that way.
With the room lit, brighter than the sun, I then wondered:
When did I start beating my upper thighs with a hammer. Why do I suddenly have 37 bruises? This has to be blamed on my children. I am sure of it.
As the body, morphing disorder reaches it's peak, I tried to focus on the clothing. Get past the near nakedness.
Except then, I noticed...hey, how about some cuter bra and panties, Grandma? When did we stop matching those?
Skip right into Victoria's....
and skip out after I realized She is apparently, only telling her Secret to 19 year old girls. All in matching PINK sweats, that they did not wear to the gym. (why would they need to, they haven't had babies?)
They may have worn the sweats to go tanning.
None were pale.
I should, confidently stride past them, wishing them luck with the age spots and wrinkles.
And yet, I was jealous of the tan.
Decide to order undergarments online.
Back to clothing.
Ok, I picked out dress pants. Not too bad.
Moved onto tops.
I now see the appeal for the bulky sweaters. Thick, warm, hides things...fine..two sweaters in the bag.
Began to quickly walk around the mall, pretending I was not 'mall walking'...wishing it would just once occur to me to eat at the food court AFTER standing exposed in the dressing room.
I may consider installing the same lights and mirrors in my closet. Kinda, like a scary personal trainer to insult me every morning. Only the insult, would be my own image glowing back at me.
While waiting in front of Sears for the boys, I began to peruse the racks. When did Sears get cute? Or is this the first step to 'Mom Jeans'? If I need an intervention...stage it!
My husband, pranced up, smiling "How was shopping? Did you find anything."
His voice dripping with kindness and joy.
I hate him.
And his same size jeans, as when he was 17. I hope he chokes on them.
I should have gone shopping at Old Navy for the girls. Toddler clothes are cuter and way more fun.

While the boys were bonding and loving not being female. Coach decides to reward his son with a small gift. The Chipmunks Squeckquel Soundtrack.
That purchase makes, complete sense for the parent that is absent for a minimum 11 hours each day.
Bonus, he promised The Kid we would listen to the CD for the 30 minute ride home.
After 27 minutes, I demanded Coach play somethings else to cleanse our music palette.
Our choice:

You heard a lot about a brother gaining mo ground
Being low down I do the showdown wit any little ho round, no!
I wanna know who youre believing through youre funny reasons
Even when Im sleeping you think Im cheatin
You said I know youre mr. o.p.p. man yo pp man wont only see me man
You shouldve known that I was wit if a bit when I aint hit it
And step not to consider the rep heck!
I did your partner cause shes hot as a baker cause Im naughty by nature
Not cause I hate cha!
You put your heart in a part of a part that spreads apart
Even though I forgave ya when you had a spark.

Oh Naughty, it does seem to be in your Nature, to make this old lady feel better.
Thanks.