Saturday, December 15, 2012

Christmas Joy.

1:15pm. Saturday afternoon.
Coach is working a long day.
Alone, I am wrangling three kids, wrapping presents and preparing for Coach's family party this evening.
My kids apparently had a secret meeting this morning and decided to be the worst, non-listening children ever, in the world.  Hitting each other, arguing etc.
Coach calls me: Hey!! (loving life voice) How's it going there?! (he's happy just for the sake of happy)
Me: It's awful here.  I've gotten the presents wrapped but haven't started any of the cookies... the girls were in the shower and I walked in to wash their hair and they were both wearing my bras, in the shower. The Kid won't do any of the chores.
Coach (totally disappointed he called me): Oh. Well I'm killing it here at work.  Taking names and everything.  I'm running ahead of schedule so I just wanted to call and check in. Is everything going to be ready for mom's when I get home?
Me: I have no idea if I am going to get the cookies done in time.  I just put the girls in pajamas, threw them in bed and shut the door.  I told them I was calling Gramma and they weren't going to be allowed to go to Christmas. The Kid won't stop playing games on his cell and I still haven't gotten a shower..
Coach: Uh. ok, well I guess I'll let you go then..
Me: Oh.. I'm sorry, was this not a cheery enough 'Check-in phone call' for you??
Coach: Well, not really..
Me (in a pretend happy person sing-song voice): Thanks for calling, hun!  Everything is perfection here.  The girls just finished braiding each other's hair and tied a bright red bow to the tip!  Now they are dancing together hand and hand.. while singing Christmas carols! It's adorable.
The Kid just finished his chore list... and even asked for more jobs!  And now, he is out back chopping up fire wood, just to make your life easier!
I've just finished baking my 9th batch of your favorite cookies!  I'm wearing that apron you adore, over my beautiful full skirt and red sweater, which is tight over my ample bosoms.  My hair is pinned back and I am smiling because my life is so grand!!
We can't wait for you to return home, love!!
Coach: That's what I'm talkin about... see you later.


Anonymous said...

Made my day. LOL.
Pregnant lady aka wide load

The General said...


Unknown said...

You didn't get the cookies baked did you?

Tru Stories said...

We did go to party.
We got some cookies baked.
I did shower.
I wore yoga pants, glasses and a Tshirt. The outfit screamed "Why yes... I am a defeated and totally out-numbered mother."

The Mrs. said...

If you at least threw on a fashionable scarf as an accessory that outfit was instantly acceptable.

Coach said...

That is almost word for word how it went down, I guess I just don't understand the bad news all the time.