Crazy Cr@p My Cousin Says 2

I have an out-of-town cousin who uses a medium...um, let's call it Basecook, to write quick, current event updates.
I have compiled and posted these once before.
Round 2 of:

Crazy Cr@p My Cousin Says.

*** Warning, several are VERY inappropriate
And Rated NotOkForMyMotherInLawToRead.
If you are offended...blame him,
or yourself for reading further AFTER this warning.


* After Chelsea 's wedding on July 31st...
Hillary asked Chelsea ...
"Did you have sex with Marc before you were married?"
Chelsea said... "Not according to Dad"

* Dan Resin, an actor who portrayed the dapper Ty-D-bol man in television commercials for the toilet bowl cleaner, has died. He was 79. I knew he was sick...he looked a little "flush".

*"The Munsters" actor Butch Patrick is set to marry a fan he met at a Dracula convention in May. No one is surprised at this, most wives suck the life out of their husbands at some point.

* Bill Murray got injured diving into a dumpster on the David Letterman Show. The main injury was his pride, as he found his career at the bottom of that dumpster.

* I love the debate of animal lovers. Some love cats. Some love dogs. Personally, I do not think either taste very good.

* The difference between Mel Gibson and a sour apple jawbreaker? One is extremely bitter and could break your teeth...and the other is a jawbreaker.

* As the daughter approaches her Senior year, the wife and I thought it was time for "the talk". Daughter refused to sit through any embarrassing lecture. I did not want her to learn about it from a movie. We compromised...we made her watch us. I think we can expect a pretty safe Senior year.

* New research says Chicago has the highest heroin abuse problem in the country. They have targeted the main cause of the drug problem, located around Addison and Clark St.

* Everyone wants to blame BP for how bad the oil spill is, but consider this...the oil spill would not be as bad if birds had more absorbent feathers.

* The bad news....The female Viagra hits the NHS. The patch does not work straight away. It takes weeks to have an effect. The good news...Jose Cuervo still takes about an hour.

* Marriage safety tip: When the wife tells you that she is going to give you something "you hadn't had in years" for your birthday.....DO NOT guess "chlamydia".

And the worst...

* Travel tip - Do you notice how most hotels provide you with a travel bottle of lotion? Dry skin epidemic? No. They are saying, "Go ahead. Rub one out. It's on us." Unfortunately, most of it is also on their bedspreads.

Again...
If you want to offer him a book and/or movie deal:
I will take 10%.

If you were repulsed by comments made on this post:
He's older than me,
I can't really be blamed for mimicking an older cousin.