Bedtime

An example of my inner dialog during bedtime.
Start Scene.
I dread this. Please don't make me say it.
"Kids, time for bed!"
"Nooooo! I NEBER go to bed!" In unison, from what sounds like 10 kids.
Take Kid to bathroom. Make sure he brushes teeth. Put scar cream on his chin. Get his allergy medicine. Please work, so he doesn't cough all night. He needs to get back to school. Can not take all 3 kids to my hair appt in morning.
"Why do I have to go to bed so early?!!"
"Because you have to get up early for school."
"Why do I have to go? I hate that law. The Government is mean to kids. What time do the kids in China start school?"
"Brush your teeth". We really need to dumb him down a little. What time do they start in China? Really? Remind him to put on lotion.
Tell him to get in bed. Try to work on Tink. Ignore her screaming. Put on jammies. Why is she so strong? Fine, no jammies, she can sleep in her clothes again. Rub Vit E on her lip. Ignore her hand slap. Don't bother to brush her hair. Maybe, I should cut it shorter. Brush her teeth. Yes, I'll smell your teeth. Praise her, she is wonderful because she brushed her teeth. Why is she so much like her father? No, you can't watch a movie. Fine, you can watch a movie.
Coach fantastically skips in the house from a late practice. Loves his team, loves basketball, loves life! Wants to tell me everything.
Try to ignore him while I change Coco's diaper. Start nursing baby. I hate Coach's radiating joy. Why is he so darned happy all the time? I think about throwing something at him. He would catch it, that would make him think of softball, make him love life harder. Don't throw something at him, just ignore him.
Finish with baby. Hand her to Coach for easy part of snuggling her to sleep.
Coach: Don't you love her? Isn't she beautiful? Isn't she the sweetest baby ever?
I guess. Not so sweet earlier when she screamed to be nursed and I was taking Kid's temperature, while getting Tink's Capri Sun. All while you were happily dribbling a basketball.
Try to get Tink in bed again. Whatever, she can stay up longer.
Head to bathroom. Don't need to change into pajamas. Still wearing them from last night. How convenient for myself. Less laundry. Start to wash my face. When did I get ugly? I should put on eye cream. Takes too long. Maybe tomorrow night. I should have worked out today. Does vacuuming count? How many calories did I eat anyway? Probably too many, who cares. Maybe I should walk in place to burn calories while I brush my teeth. Pluck my eyebrows? Maybe I'll wax them tomorrow. Get in bed.
Coach skips in: Got the girls in bed. I am a Super Wonderful dad. Aren't our kids so super great? Isn't life super marvelous? Aren't we lucky?
Sure. He smiles too much. I think about kicking him and all his joy. If I kicked him he may think of soccer. Then football, then Fantasy Football. Then he may talk about stupid imaginary trades. I hate Fantasy Football. I remind him it's not even real. It's a FANTASY!
Try to close my eyes. We need groceries. I should shop tomorrow. How long can kids go without milk? Does it count if they eat cheese sticks and a vitamin? That may buy me another day. I'm hungry.
Kid yells from his bed: Moooommm, can I go to the bathroom?
Yes. Why does he have to ask? Would I ever NOT let him use the bathroom?
I'm still hungry.
I want McDonald's. Wish I lived near a Papa John's.
End Scene.