As a seasoned Elf (currently in my 4th year) I feel it is my duty, if not obligation to inform you of a few matters which need your attention:
First: Your name is ReeedickQulous!!
ElfieBell Spar.Kle Snowflutter Flake or WhatEv?? You need to grow up. My name is Flash. Named by The Boy years ago. Simple. I'm fast like a Flash of wind in the night. A real man's name, if you will.
Second: Giiirrrrlll.. You need to Slow Yo Roll.
You're operating at an exhaustingly adorable pace, which you will never be able to manage, without a Mrs. Claus prescribed prescription of blu ice crystal meth.
I was adopted years ago, by the lamest family Eva. They live in a Not a Mansion style home, which keeps me pretty confined. The Parents are totally self-involved. Once they put those brats to bed, they hurry to 'make-out' or watch totally non-kid (or Elf) friendly shows on FX. Most nights, they totally forget I exist. I get mad-dash attention at about 7:13am each morning as the kids chow on frozen waffles.
Surprisingly, they do always remember to bring me out at Thanksgiving. (probably because I've been lurking in the mom's panty drawer for the past year) This year, after my exciting return!! I spent 3 nights plopped on the shelf by the TV. Because "Gee... I don't know, maybe the weather is too dangerous for Flash to fly?" Uhh.. Seriously? It was like 60 degrees.
Typically, I hang mostly on the Christmas tree because The Parents lack any originality...
But then... You showed up.
Your Mother hadn't blogged in like, months. And now suddenly she's up early every morning, splashing your cuteness all over the Internet. Putting pressure on The Mom in this house..
Oh... clever, lock me in a bird cage....
Fun! Dangle me from the ceiling. Like that bleepin Beagle hasn't been eying me as a chew toy. It's super amusing to fear for my life all day! You have no idea how many LaLaLoopsies have lost their heads to him.
And then...
She got really Nuts and placed me between two Barbie friends. Three times the fun... The Dad said some pretty inappropriate things about my hand placement, which made me very uncomfortable...
And then I got stuffed in a stocking.
Where I hung for 3 days...
I'm not sure the dumb kids even noticed.
Honestly.. Spend a month trying to watch over that Little Disaster, I don't even bother reporting to Santa on that mess anymore. #nohopeforher
Fine. I don't give an F. Keep me here.
Only 4 more days and I am back in the panty drawer.
Elfiebellsnowfluttery: We don't all gotta be Pretty Little Show-offs all the time... at least, that's what I've heard The Mom, tell The Dad before...
PS- Your skirt is gay.
5 comments:
love it!
i promise Flash can hang out w/ my Elf in like 2 years. no need to hurry it along. he'll probably be named something stupid like monster truck or Bo-bot, bc Those are the really awesome things in life, take note magic-filled elfiebell.
p.s. Flash could show up w/ an empty 6 pack the day after Christmas...
Flash, hanging out in that woman's panty drawer has turned you mean. Go drink some syrup and maybe that will help elevate your mood. If that doesn't work someone needs to throw elf recovery dust on you STAT before it's too late.
Praying Santa does excommunicate you,
Elfiebell Snowflake.
Kind of harsh, Elfiebell! Flash is just say in'. Wait until you are forced to spend a year in the panty drawer!
PLEASE stop saying "panty"....
Hilarious, and fact.
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